Itching for a Fight

Last night in the man cave, I swapped out some tires, settling on some Maxxis high rollers for Sunday's TT race in Rhode Island. While the Dead swirled around me, I could feel the adrenaline that has been waking me at 3 am and finally at 5:30 the past few nights. Damn, it's that pre-race surge of tea party like irrationality- react first. The beast has awakened within, gnawing away at relaxation, calm and poise. At work, FY planning deadlines, Dilbert direction from corporate and human foibles have been conspiring to put me over the edge- but I've come to realize it is me, the animal, the seeker, the race hound pacing back and forth, waiting to run, the trapped animal seething that is driving me to use the F word under my breath, to look at issues and challenges, to feel something big ahead.
The competitive genes have come alive after a year of wishy-washiness and pleasure seeking while on a bike. I wondered if ithey would appear on their own, or have to be conjured up by music, cycling videos, or reviews of past year race reports in my annual excel workbooks. The answer is a clear no.
The EGO. The identity. The me-ness that directs action and elicits interaction with the world outside, wants to know what all the fitness focus is going to yield. Will the race put a stamp on the ego's desires, or kick me into another mode, humble - aw shucks - oh well acceptance? That is probably healthier but somehow lacking and starves the desire to prove to myself that I will, I can, I do. Will Shiva quash the flames of the ego, freeing me to be one with the cosmic reality that is total expansive awareness of our inter-related and inseparablity from the whole? During the race, my ego will be out there: one with the effort, one with the bike, one with the terrain, one with all that have, do and will ride. And the destroyer will have to wait until another day.
Monday I'll have something to talk about. Until then it's all a dream of the ego, trying to predict the future.
Surge of adrenaline racing inside... you know the feeling brothers. Time to race.